spontaneous combustion

When I get really stressed, sometimes it's like I must go through the cycle of:

  1. Thinking about the things that stress me
  2. Having them weigh on me
  3. Blowing up (last night was a doozy)
  4. Relaxing
  5. Re-structuring/prioritizing life in order to finish what needs to be done
  6. Having confidence it can happen
  7. Making it happen

I'd really like to be able to eliminate all but the first, and the last three. 2-5 just don't add anything to my life. Humans are such creatures of habit. Even though I'm aware of this cycle, I feel like I'm powerless to stop it in one coup. Sure, it can stop. But it'll take a while. I heard once that our brains have thought patterns and processes, like the order the neurons fire, and that our brain gets used to doing it that way-- almost like the way asphalt gives way to tires running on it all the time. Our brains literally develop a groove, rut-- if you will, and that makes habit breaking extremely hard.

Maybe I should sell tickets to my panic episodes. Then I could at least generate revenue while trying to better myself.

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