brimming with negativity

I have 6 Matlab scripts that I need to run this morning, so I have some time to blog about this. This is going to feel good, I feel like getting this off my chest.

There are lots of things I don't like about myself. Sometimes they come clearly into focus, oftentimes surprising me and forcing me to wonder if I haven't just ignored my own faults. While that evaluation begins, I start to feel bad for all the times I've been judgmental, especially to those who don't deserve it. This illustrates how threads and processes are spawned in my head. I start one thread and immediately delve into another, often using the previous thread as a background to it. The scheduler in my brain sometimes has a hard time keeping up with all the threads and some are naturally starved and others receive too much attention, thus skewing my perception of myself and the world around me. This is the first (but not necessarily the highest priority) thing I just don't like about myself. I'm not focused. It always is evident in my writing. I write things that don't make a lick of sense because I was thinking of what I meant but got sidetracked and didn't write it, so a lot of it comes out fragmented and difficult to understand.

I also talk way too much. Not that when Mrs. Sixline and I have conversation I feel I talk to much, but I just blab about nothing in particular. To elaborate on this would only incriminate me further. Let's just say I feel like a fool when I go on so much. Problem is, I feel like if you're not talking you're not enjoying yourself. And if you're not enjoying yourself, the reason is usually me. Lots of people have a negative exponential drop-off in being able to handle me as their stress levels go up. I suppose I'm good in small doses.

I'm too thin skinned. Really, I let other people get to me. What a ridiculous notion, handing over your attitude and cool head to someone else.

I'm too easily intimidated. We're not in highschool anymore, but I still feel like people will act like it and try to bully me around for whatever reason. It makes me go on the defensive far too often.

I'm too negative. Nyah. :P

This wasn't as liberating as I thought.


ubercyl said...

It never is as liberating as you think it will be.

Sorry you feel that way. I like to ramble, myself. I think it makes me charming. Heh.

Shaun said...

For what it's worth, I think I know where you're coming from and your description of people acting like bullies in high school really hit home. I behave that way, too, sometimes.

If it makes you feel any better, the first step in solving a problem is becoming aware of it and that it IS a problem. You can do nothing if you choose to remain in ignorance and not risk anything.

I also think we can be the harshest judge on ourselves. I know how you feel about putting something forward that is supposed to be a clear and concise description of how you feel, but instead feel like we're putting forth this tangled knot of incomplete ideas. Ironically enough, it has been after I have put forth what I thought to be one of the most incoherent ramblings possible that I have had people come to me later and tell me that what I said really rang true for them. Again, for what it is worth, I think I understood what you were trying to say.

Life is nothing but a balancing act, I've noticed. It's about saying something, but not too much or not enough. This is really hard when you've defined your world in extremes like I have, where there is no middle ground between them. It's about trying, goofing up, and then learning from what happened. As long as you're trying, you're always making progress.

sixline said...

I don't like goofing up. I expect better out of myself. It sounds backwards, but it's true.