It's been a long time.

The posts are getting fewer and farther(further?) between because I approach my date with doom; the thesis defense. It happens the 29th. I'm worried and concerned-- not with the process of getting up in front of everyone, but the having things to say part. I feel like the advisor committee knows more than I do about the project. I'm also worried about the last leg of research that is currently synthesizing while I write this. I'm also concerned...

Well that list goes on for awhile. I'm just worried I won't get the fantastic wonderfullest job of instrumentations engineer with ATK. I had the long awaited on-site interview with them last Thursday where they actually had me go around the cube farm seeing what everyone on the team did as part of the interview. I was very happy to see that; it's so hard to figure out what you'll be doing full time from an interview. They look like a great place to work. If the pay comes through where Mrs. Sixline and I can afford housing in our current market, then we'd like to stay put. There's a home that's being built just a few minutes up the road that's very spacious and open and in a great neighborhood. We want it...

But...

It depends on whether or not I finish and whether or not the offer comes in enough to cover the cost. If it comes in below, we get to explore other options. However, my heart is set on staying put and purchasing that home. We'll see.

I'm concerned...

The beginning of the end

Yesterday I was asked "How was your first last day?" and indeed it was just that. Barring unforeseen tragedy, I should be done in December making this my last semester. Right now I'm under the impression that I'll not return, as I'm pursuing a hire degree I think that should cover me for the rest of my life, but who knows what'll happen?

On Friday while at Costco with the lovely Mrs. Sixline, Kermit, and two of her children, I received a phone call from none other than the technical director of Amundis. I ran outside gibbering in French to be patient until I got to a quieter spot, turning quite a few hands as I passed. I found a park bench on a secluded blue spruce lined median in some distant corner of the Costco parking lot. The spruces kept the sound to a minimum, so while I wasn't in a quiet room, at least I had some measure of privacy. The technical director, Serge, asked me about my work experience, my school experience, how to avoid deadlock, and a plethora of other embedded systems related subjects. We spoke for the better part of an hour. At the end he seemed quite positive and keen to continue the hiring process, and I felt pretty good as well. He called me because the previous day the HR director shot me an e-mail saying "Well I've just got back from vacation, and we're still interested in you. Someone will call you shortly." This was an abrupt change from the no news I was receiving from them throughout August. I was quite worked up that after the first interview I had received no news and then out of the blue they tell me they're still interested. It's been pretty quick since then. Friday was the aforementioned interview, and yesterday I awoke to another email from the HR director revealing that the interview was indeed positive and indicating that an offer was in the works. One more interview, this time a teleconferencing interview. So this is looking pretty good.

Amundis (www.amundis.fr) is a consulting company, which means that while I work for them, they find me third party work to complete. Not the most glorious thing, but as I understand it, they give me a base salary regardless of whether or not I'm working. Good enough for me. This isn't a career move. This is a life experience move. Unless something better comes along while we're there, we won't stay for more than about two years I think. That estimate is down somewhat from the five years I originally anticipated, but we'll see. Provided Amundis gives me enough of a base salary to live decently enough and cover my student loan payments, we'll be in Paris in January.

I'm happy.

bullies and cowards

Percy. Kevin. Dennis. Erik. Smiddy. Justin.

I'm sure you've had your bullies. Some I stood up to. Some I didn't. Sometimes I was afraid, and sometimes I just didn't think it was worth my time.

This is a particularly sensitive topic with me. I'm a pretty prideful guy. I also don't take too well to being picked on. When was a kid at the playground in the sandbox, if you took my truck and didn't give it back I normally opted to push your face in the sand, take the truck back, and give you the evil eye the rest of the day. When life got bigger, faster, and a little more criminal, I didn't know if some of these bullies were involved in drugs or weapons or both.

Not that I think I was the target of gang activity. Well, Kevin I think was in a gang. Being scared is a hard thing to live with. Justin was a big redneck with an ego to match. He liked to intimidate the other kids in the classroom, and I didn't take to that too well. One day our teacher aske d me to bring a spray bottle of Windex up to her that was resting on the overhead next to me in the back of the room. I obeyed, and Justin said something smart to me as I walked by, so I turned around and sprayed him with the Windex. He took this as the most mortal of insults, and threatened to 'kick my ass.' (It's ok, I can swear on my blog when I'm quoting people.) He wouldn't stop saying it. He sat directly in front of me, and kept turning around and whispering it every twenty seconds. He was a good 6 inches taller than me and had about 50 lbs on me. I was so nervous and scared I didn't know what to do.

I went to a pretty rough high school in East Texas, and so I had no idea how far this fight could go. I knew the odds of it being him against me were fairly small; we had our fair share of gangbangers, drug dealers, petty thieves and other young criminals roaming the halls frequently. Rarely did two kids have a go at it and settle their differences. Quite often I got my friends and you got your friends and we all went for it. I didn't have any friends. Texan male bravado, the key ingredient to having a posse, was lost on me.

I suppose the Texan male bravado is present in more than just one form, as Justin walked right out the door and out of the hallways right as the bell rang. I doubt he wanted to do anything more than scare me. That didn't end my fears, though.

Because of a school schedule that alternated classes by day, I didn't see him again for two days. I remember crying to my parents that I just wanted them to find out where he lived so I could have them drive me over and we could settle our differences where I knew it would be at least him against me. I didn't want to wait in fear. I wanted to go and find him where he was then and there and finish it.

I hate living in fear. I hate being afraid. It is a great teacher, though. The lessons are complex, and thinking back to the experiences that teach them can be just as intense as living them through the first time.

I can't enumerate all the times I've been afraid or been bullied. Following suit, I can't say I can list all the things I've learned from each experience. One thing I am proud of, I can say that I am not a coward. It's so clear now that they were the cowards, not me.

So instead of hoping they're all drunk, dead, or in jail somewhere, I think I can learn to pity them. Not now, of course. That instinctual desire of vindictive vengeance is a little too strong. I don't wish them harm, but I do wish them to feel how I suffered-- not to pay for their crimes, but to understand them and feel compassion on me. At the end of it all, though, I'm glad I chose to handle it the way I did.

Episode XI: A New Semester

I started college in August of '02. I went to school that year, '02-'03, '03-'04, '04-'05, '05-'06, last year (Fall '06), and now '07. Plus I went in the summer of '04, so that makes this semester my 11th thus far.

I'm really tired of this.

but I don't wanna...

Here I am again.

Still got tons of stuff to do, and yet I feel un-motivated. I've been coasting... I just want it to be over. I can close my eyes and see the day when the Spectrum is filled with screaming fans of mine as they hand me my sheepskin... I raise my arms in triumph to the deafening roar from the stands... The President-- no, President Hinckley-- emerges from the row of honored guests to tell me that I'm the best most wonderfullest person in the world... Employers are pushing each other over and fencing with fountain pens to see which engineering firm I'll work for... My wife tells me she's pregnant... And then I slip on the toilet seat, hit my head on the sink and come up with the idea for the flux capacitor, invent a time machine, go into the future and come back with the cure for cancer and invest the profits and retire to a beautiful house, boat, jetski, and reef tank up in Bear Lake...

Yep... Not gonna happen without motivation. But I got none. So instead I close my eyes and imagine us living in a card board box at the corner of 4th and Main. That's why I prefer the other daydream.

Someday...